Confessions (cont)

This morning I wake up to a voicemail from my mother telling me that my grandmother has not been doing real well physically for about the past few days, and might not make it to Christmas. About half an hour after that I get a call that she has died. She was 91 years old. In 1992 her husband died at age 92. Longevity seems to run in my family. The last time I saw my Grandma was in august when I went home to Wyoming to visit my family. She seemed to be doing fine, but then again, this was august...and she was 91.

Sidenote: Three days ago I posted for friends, acquaintances, and some people I've never even met...as well as those who may just happen to come across this blog by accident...my own personal thoughts on who I am as compared to who I once was. The funny thing about this is I have yet to find the courage to let my family know that this is how I feel. They are aware that I no longer go to church, but for them it ends there. They don't know truly how far removed I am from religion altoghether. I haven't told them for a few reasons. First and foremost...it would break their hearts. I know that in some families differing religious philosophies have actually led to a complete familial falling out. I am not afraid of this exactly. I've always known that my family will always love and support me no matter who or what I am, but they would be incredibly sad, and what loving son wants to do this to his family. Secondly, well...it's never come up. I suppose if my father asked me direct questions...I would answer honestly, but I will probably always be far to gutless to be the one to bring it up. I mean really...it seems rather pointless.

So today while talking to my father...he of course was sad, it is his mother after all, but through his sadness he seemed a bit relieved that she was out of pain, and incredibly happy that she had today reunited with her husband. That idea brings him so much joy, and I think that's fantastic. But I don't share it.

I always thought that a more athieistic viewpoint on life would make death harder to accept, and difficult to get through. Without the comfort of the promise of an afterlife...I figured it would seem awful to face death. Ironically...I'm facing this one easier than any other I ever have. It becomes so much easier to celebrate her life...than mourn her death.

The idea of her reuniting somewhere in some idealistc place with her husband is incredibly romantic, and beautiful. But I like remembering her as a part of my life. The influence she had on me. The wonderful things she both taught and shared with me. I realize that she is a part of me, and therefore always alive inside of me. When I go...then I'll remain with the people who love me and have shared with me life experience.

Wether or not her soul...or essence...or conciousness is still existing on some other plane becomes to me irrelevant outside of esoteric and philosophical discussion. It may...or may not. But her life was beautiful. She was beautiful. And will always be beautiful to me. So Long Live Grandma. Long Live You. For you too have touched me, and are part of me, and I love you for that.

Long live us all...

Confessions of a lost soul...

Anyone who knows me, knows that I had a very religious upbringing. I was born into the Mormon faith, and followed to the best of what I considered my ability the so called Plan of Salvation as laid out by that particular dogma. I was baptized, went to seminary, went on a mission, and was married in the Temple. All of these things done in order to ensure my eternal happiness and live with God after I died. A nice dream. However, I committed a cardinal sin and have as a result sacrificed that happiness, for damnation. At least according to Mormons. My sin? I always maintained an open mind to everything else. I questioned everything. And over a course of time, have completely lost that so called faith. I have come full circle from perfectly faithfull, to perfectly faithless. I cannot call myself Athiest, in that I am not militant in a battle against even the idea of God. Agnostic is closer, but that concedes a certain Idea of hope in God. "I don't know...maybe...maybe not" seems to be the creed of the Agnostic. And I guess that is sort of my philosophy, but I lean more toward probably not, than maybe not. As much as I like the idea of some sort of continued consciousness after death, I'm pretty sure that dead is dead. So what does that make me? Agnothiest I guess...I don't really know.
The problem is inherently found in the idea of faith to begin with. I can not imagine a loving God who says that he wants nothing more than that all of his children return to his presence after death, then provide only one way to find that. Then after providing one way, doesn't tell you what that way is. And not only doesn't tell you what it is, but says you have to find it for yourself, and you will not have to choose between three or four paths, but literally thousands. And if you choose wrong...you burn in hell. The only help you will get is a book of mythology and analogy, interpreted and re-interpreted thousands of times, that not only contradicts each interpretation, but contradicts itself internally. That book, plus some mystical form of communication combined with a "good feeling" will give you all you need. This is what faith is. And from a supposed loving God...That's just mean. I've had more good feelings from a nice dinner, good sleep, great music, drugs both legal and not, sex, and conversation, then I've ever had from prayer. That moment of meditation where you open your mind and heart to God, and he responds with "good feelings." This is actually called meditation and that good feeling is a release of seratonins into the bloodstream when the body is relaxed and the mind is focused. It has nothing to do with a Holy Spirit. Anybody can do it...not just the godblessed.
And so...I am religiously lost, but personally less confused and more focused on self improvement in all aspects of life, than I ever was religiously. I don't have the necessary fear of death, or ability to be inspired by guilt, that are both requisite to the religiously faithful. Contrary to everything that my religion taught me...I am more centered and at peace with myself than I ever was with religion. Another bold contradiction to everything I once believed.

What's next...

That's always the thought that comes to mind as soon as I open a show. At least as a director. As an actor I at least hold that thought until the current show closes, but now The Play About the Baby still has two performances left and I'm already thinking..."What's next?"

Walter at LVLT has hit me up to direct Carol Churchhill's Cloud Nine in the blackbox this coming spring, but so far I just can't really get into the script at all. I am hoping that I can change his mind and get him to let me do Quills. Yeah that's right. Doug Wright...the playwrite is the person who wrote the screenplay and also has a stageplay available for production. How fun would that be? D ordered up a copy of the script from dramatists and will hopefully have a copy of it soon. So yeah...looking to do that.

I guess though I'll of course be auditioning...probably sometime next month...for Take me Out. I'm really hoping to be cast in that. It was one of the many many reasons I joined up at the athletic club and started working out. Still no noticable difference there...but hopefully soon I'll be much less fat. Of course a bout of bulemia would be helpful there as well.

The problem is that I'm internally burning right now for more theatre. Which is nice cause I think the fire died there for a while. I just couldn't conjure up...hard as I tried...any interest in any thing theatre related. A couple of dry months...with my own personal life situation just sort of made me very apathetic to the whole thing. Which in retrospect kinda saddens me...but I guess that's how the ball rolls now and then. It is nice that I'm all into it again. I wish I had more money, cause the dramatists website is one of my favorites.

As a side not...KEVIN...if you read this at all...can you let me know when SITI might be going up there to Logan again. I'd be very interested in taking a week and going up for that. If it happens anytime...or might happen...please let me know.

I guess that's it for tonight. Who knows when I'll post again... I sure as hell don't.

TTFN...I love all of you.