Confessions of a lost soul...

Anyone who knows me, knows that I had a very religious upbringing. I was born into the Mormon faith, and followed to the best of what I considered my ability the so called Plan of Salvation as laid out by that particular dogma. I was baptized, went to seminary, went on a mission, and was married in the Temple. All of these things done in order to ensure my eternal happiness and live with God after I died. A nice dream. However, I committed a cardinal sin and have as a result sacrificed that happiness, for damnation. At least according to Mormons. My sin? I always maintained an open mind to everything else. I questioned everything. And over a course of time, have completely lost that so called faith. I have come full circle from perfectly faithfull, to perfectly faithless. I cannot call myself Athiest, in that I am not militant in a battle against even the idea of God. Agnostic is closer, but that concedes a certain Idea of hope in God. "I don't know...maybe...maybe not" seems to be the creed of the Agnostic. And I guess that is sort of my philosophy, but I lean more toward probably not, than maybe not. As much as I like the idea of some sort of continued consciousness after death, I'm pretty sure that dead is dead. So what does that make me? Agnothiest I guess...I don't really know.
The problem is inherently found in the idea of faith to begin with. I can not imagine a loving God who says that he wants nothing more than that all of his children return to his presence after death, then provide only one way to find that. Then after providing one way, doesn't tell you what that way is. And not only doesn't tell you what it is, but says you have to find it for yourself, and you will not have to choose between three or four paths, but literally thousands. And if you choose wrong...you burn in hell. The only help you will get is a book of mythology and analogy, interpreted and re-interpreted thousands of times, that not only contradicts each interpretation, but contradicts itself internally. That book, plus some mystical form of communication combined with a "good feeling" will give you all you need. This is what faith is. And from a supposed loving God...That's just mean. I've had more good feelings from a nice dinner, good sleep, great music, drugs both legal and not, sex, and conversation, then I've ever had from prayer. That moment of meditation where you open your mind and heart to God, and he responds with "good feelings." This is actually called meditation and that good feeling is a release of seratonins into the bloodstream when the body is relaxed and the mind is focused. It has nothing to do with a Holy Spirit. Anybody can do it...not just the godblessed.
And so...I am religiously lost, but personally less confused and more focused on self improvement in all aspects of life, than I ever was religiously. I don't have the necessary fear of death, or ability to be inspired by guilt, that are both requisite to the religiously faithful. Contrary to everything that my religion taught me...I am more centered and at peace with myself than I ever was with religion. Another bold contradiction to everything I once believed.