Crossin Borders...

AMEN DEANNE. More hottub parties are certainly in order. And I find it's a wonderful thing to always have a camera on hand. HA

When I was a kid growing up in wide open Wyoming, my father tried his damndest to intill a hatred for Utah in all us kids. Utah had the worst drivers on earth, filled to the brim with snow stealing bastards. Yes it's true, the folks in utah would seed the snow clouds to make them snow over the ski slopes emptying the skies before they could reach the Wyoming farm lands. Oh well. Anytime we went to Utah for any reason, he would always encourage us to hold our breath when we crossed state line so as not to pollute our lungs with that horrid Utah air. I always secretly thought maybe he was just trying to kill us. If not shut us up. The other secret I harbored was that I really liked Utah. Well SLC anyway. That's where the fun was. There seemed to be more people at any given time just in Crossroads Mall alone than in the entire state of Wyoming. And so many of them were my age...and hot. Also Utah had a never ending supply of Goth Girls which was something never to be seen in my home town. Plus...stolen snow or not...the slopes in Utah are awesome. The only thing I hated was that it was a family requirement it seems to spend an ungodly amount of time in or around Temple Square. It's pretty and all I guess, but also boring as fuck. No boredom on earth equals that of being trapped for all hours in the Salt Lake Geneology library however. Mom would go there and research names cause she was really into that shit. Hours in a (So called) library and not a goddamned book to read. I told my mom once that I liked salt lake way better than Mt. View Wyoming, and she informed me it would break my fathers heart to hear that. So I never told him. Oh well...I finaly found my true home. This den of iniquity. Sin City. Good people, and the buffet's aren't bad either. Little Darlings is fantastic. Bruce you gotta come to a strip club with us. I don't know if Liz would kill you or not...but you gotta come anyway. Hot asian goth chick always dances to evanessence. And...bonus...she get's naked.

July 13 was my 8th anniversary. We're off to a rockin start. It's a great thing being married to someone you really love so much...I like her too...that makes it even cooler.

Speaking of E...she got offered a movie role...small film school thing. She was really excited about it too...until she read the script...which I must admit was absolute shit.

This blog has no point.
J

Ordinary Ghosts

Every night in the hot tub I take a moment. I let out all of the air in my lungs and sink to the bottom. You can't hold your breath when you have no breath inside of you. Staying at the bottom lasts only several seconds. There is a lifetime in that span of time. I can hear my heart beat. My heartbeat. A wet womb. It's not exactly silent, but the sounds are liquid. There is no symbolism here. I'm not washing the day away. I'm alive in my breathless pain, and I hear/feel my life in double pumps.

Erica and I have this thing together. I'm sure everyone has there own variation of it, if they even have a name for it. We call it obscure memory. That thought that comes to your mind from nowhere. An old friend; the feel of a breeze; something or someone that comes from the past very much alive in your mind like an ordinary ghost. Haunting you with warmth. Obscure memories invariably leave unobscure smiles.

There are friends whom I very much long to revisit. Others whom I have no true desire to see again, because I want to keep them how they were, and not face how different we have become. There are people who used to be closer to me than anyone on the planet, who I know now would judge me, and not allow any bridge over the gap that time has created, because the reality of now is so much different than the fantasy of then. This gives me empty pain, because I still love these friends. Like I love my family, who I also keep many secrets from. I spend a lot of time examining why it's so important to not let my family know me. The easiest answer is because it would devistate them to know the decisions I have made. But I also know that I underestimate their love of me, and that although devistated, the pain of truth may offer more freedom than the pain of secrets.

I feel younger than I am. In my mind I'm still college age. I'm trapped in fiction, and I like it there. My insecurities of youth still kiss me with their lies, and I fight daily to rise above adequacy. I admit that I find a lot of strength in a lot of you. Thank you for that. Life is too short for insecurity, and inadequacy. Too short not to be visited by the ordinary ghosts that fill our minds. Everything is a memory. Make it a good one.
I love all of you. Truly. I do.
J

This Friday...

I think I'm going to a nude beach. I don't know where one is. Somewhere in California I hear. I'm just going to wake up early get in the car and drive. I know, I'll probably be one in about 500 fat naked bald guys out on some southern cali beach...rather gay, but before the day is over I will have swam naked in the ocean. I've never done that before. I think I'll love it. Anyone who wants to call in sick, or just plain come along is free to join in. Send me an email or give me a call. Pitch in a few bucks gas and we'll spend a few naked hours on a beach. Then turn around and come home. By the way...anyone know where one is??? Failing all that I guess there is first friday.
J