Quiet Perfection

It's two thirty in the morning, December 23. Exactly 33 years ago this moment my mother was in labor with me. I was her first child, so this would be her first experience with that kind of pain. I will never in my life know what that is like. I can't really sympathize with whatever that may be, and I am sorry to know that I was the cause. However, I'm thankful for her going through that. She's never brought it up, so I guess she doesn't resent me for it.

I've had a pretty good run so far. You know how it is. Life is full of all sorts of ups and downs. I tend to focus on the ups for the most part. I like them better.

There are too many people whom I have come in contact with in my life to count. For the most part I don't really care. I don't remember most of them, and there is no reason to. There are however a select few who have touched me deeply, and had a great impact. Thank you for that. It's moments like this that I think of you, and hope that you are happy.

You see, for some inexplicable reason, I'm having one of those moments. I usually only have moments like this when I'm alone. I'm euphoric, and nostalgic all at once. I have soft music. My little Bhudda is surrounded by candles. I know this entire scenario has a heavy smell of gay all over it, but oh well. It's still perfect. And in this quiet perfection I'm able to close my eyes and watch the movie of my life. I can skip to all the good parts. There's a good chance you're in them. You smile a lot. At least when my eyes are closed, and I like that. I hope you really do smile a lot. You deserve it.

I like to think that when you close your eyes I flash across your movie screen as well. Perhaps now and then I actually do. I hope I'm smiling.

I don't think any of us will ever be able to measure the impact we may have on another persons life. I am just egotistical enough to imagine that I've affected two or three people that way. I know that you have affected me that way. Thanks for that.

I have no idea what's going to happen in my life. I've never really been a planner. More of a dreamer than a doer, and for me that's okay. My drive has never been equal to my ambition. That's okay too.

It's very likely that I will no longer be employed where I am currently employed by the end of April. This is a frightening thought, but could be interesting to see what comes about as a result.

I like the mystery of life, therefore why would I want to solve it.

I'll leave that to all you religious nuts out there. You seem very comfortable with your absolute knowledge. I prefer a bit of mystery.

Happy new year every body. I hope it's a good one. For all of us.

Disconnected.

When I was in High School my mother once told me in confidence, that my father wanted to have me tested. Psychologically. He was convinced I was a sociopath. I know his reasons for thinking so. I'm not telling you what they were.

I have never been tested. I have not once in my life seen a shrink. I would like to once. Not because I think I'm fucked up in any sort of way, though I probably am, who isn't? I just think it would be fun. Maybe that, in and of itself is a little fucked up.

I have however been to a number of webpages, textbooks, medical journals, and the like. I've found a number of things interesting. I now know what the clinical definition of a nymphomania is, and let me tell you, it's not what you've probably come to understand it to mean. Who cares. If everybody thinks that something means something, then maybe it does regardless what the dictionary says.

I have found that there are about 10 defining characteristics of a sociopath. Probably a lot more in a true medical sense, but I'm lazy so we're talking pop phych here. Humor me. I'm not telling you what those characteristics are, if you really want to know, do your own goddamn research, what you need me to do everything for you. I will tell you that I had a solid hit on about 8 of them. I'm not telling which ones though. That's for me and the shrink in my mind.

Does this mean I think I'm a sociopath? No, not at all. In fact, I'm mostly sure that I'm not. But it does give me a simple explanation about a lot of things. For instance, I have an incredibly dificult time connecting. To anything. To you. To life. To all the trivial, menial, craptacular things that everyone around me seems to care about so FUCKING MUCH. So when I hear people talk about these things...I have three choices...1)Leave. 2)Zone out. 3)Pretend.

I've gotten very good at number 3.

The thing is, viscerally, I'm just not there. 99% of the time. Intellectually I'm right with ya...but where it matters...well...it doesn't matter.

I don't know if this makes me a good person or a bad person. I don't care about that either to tell you the truth. You see, I have no value system. At least not one that most people would recognize. All those little things that I was taught as a child about right and wrong...well...they are neither right or wrong. At least to me. They just are.

I do have a system. But it's mine. And most people I try to explain it too, don't like it...or don't get it...so I stopped trying to explain it. I just live now. I don't judge. I don't assign value where none is needed.

I listen to a lot of Beethoven and Mozart. This balances out all the crap music I am nearly forced to listen to all day every day.

I promise you I'm not crazy. But I have identified positively at least three different and distinct personalities. The neat thing about that is that you probably have as well.