What are we chasing? What motivates action on a daily basis. Routine? Need? Love? Fear? Desire. How do we achieve what we desire? Why do we want what we think we want, and do we really want it? Why are we compelled to worship. Not God necessarily, but something. I don't know of a word that correctly describes my current religious condition. I would say apathy, but I think about it way to much to be apathetic. I have taken to calling the theatre my church, my temple, my place of worship...but what is it I'm worshiping there exactly? Has whatever it may be become my false god? Is the stage my own personal graven image? Perhaps. I think that I am looking for some sort of redemption there. But I'm not sure that is correct either. There is no particular "sin" in my past or present that theatre can redeem me from. I don't even feel a particular need for redemption. Yes I have regrets, but even they give my life to this point definition. I will die with more regrets than I currently have. I will make mistakes. Does the knowlege of this fact vindicate my future actions, or in fact multiply the seriousness of them. Can life be redeemed. Should it be? What am I searching for. Perhaps it would be easier to find what I was looking for if I knew what it was. All I know is that when I'm involved in telling a story, inside the walls of a theatre. When my heart and mind connect with a moment, I'm closer to finding whatever that intangible may be. I've never felt this inside the walls of a church. I've never found comfort at a funeral. I've never mourned a life. I've celebrated life as much as I can. My grandfather was a great man. People like him don't exist anymore. My church will forget his name, but inside my theatre...if I choose...I can immortalize him. Death doesn't frighten me. Life without theatre scares me to death. Is it theatre? I think there is something deeper there. The idea that there I have already discovered not truth...but the opportunity to uncover truth. To discover truth about myself as an individual..but more importantly truth about myself as a human, on a planet as diverse, unique, and wonderful as this one. I think kitty might miss me on long days though.